Jyn is a keen enough observer to notice all the little hints that pointed at the fact that Cassian, for the moment, is not quite right. But she decides not to bring it up in favor of following him the short distance from the door to his bunk.
She does take a seat in the already prepared chair, blowing out a soft breath once Cassian is sitting, too, even though he is clearly not at ease. She waits for a long moment before leaning forward, resting her hands gently on top of his.
Maybe it'll help ground him. Jyn hopes so, anyway.]
[Jyn worries. Despite the knowledge that whatever Cassian's taken will clear his system soon enough, it's hard to see him in such a vulnerable state. She knows she should have faith in the fact that he's asked her to help.
She can understand his distress - it's easier to put personal thoughts and feelings behind closed doors to deal with later. Or not at all.
So the thought of not being able to hold back the deluge does seem overwhelming.]
Whatever you say stays between us, Cassian. You can trust in that. I won't betray your confidence.
[His shoulders tense again. He flexes his fingers, under and between hers, not shaking hers away; like he wants to return the touch but doesn't know how.]
[Jyn keeps steady for Cassian's sake. Where he's unsure, she wants to be certain, and wants him to know and trust that she is there for him, no matter what transpires.
Still, there's no helping the way her brows pull together, no concealing her clear concern.]
What do you mean? [She asks, before thinking better of the question, shaking her head gently.] No, wait. You don't have to say anything at all if you don't want to. We can just be quiet, if that will help.
Or talk about something that will distract you. Whatever works best.
[He nods heavily. He can't tell which thing he's supposed to fight: the urge to tell (ask?) her or the reasons not to. So for now, always, he errs on the side of following her lead. She doesn't mean it to be, she only means to give him the escape, but he'll take it.]
It's just tiring. Being away from you.
[…wait, no, hadn't he just decided to take the out…]
[Jyn is quiet for a moment - the space of two or three quick heartbeats. If she's surprised - and she is, a little - it doesn't show in her expression. Her body language doesn't change. She is there for Cassian no matter what he ends up saying, without passing any judgment.
And while she knows, realistically speaking, that she should probably steer the conversation someplace safer, there's a part of her that kind of wants to delve deeper.
It's not an insignificant part of her. So ... he's being honest with her. Maybe she can afford to be honest with him, too.]
[Yes, it's that, but it's also not being able to breathe as easily not being able to stand upright against gravity not wanting to stand at all except when next to you.
Too much. Too much to put on someone else. ...Was it? Did he have any actual idea?]
Yes. But I also… just like being near you. Everything's better when you're in the room.
[Dammit that was supposed to be less— why was he even fighting this…
Why was he fighting—was that a question he could afford to ask often enough…
Brain shut up shut up shut up
Jyn. He focused again on her. If he could get out of his own mind, it was usually to do with her.]
[Jyn felt almost like she was treading a thin line - and she didn't want to tip one direction of the other when what she was supposed to be doing was keeping Cassian steady.
But ... that wasn't to say that she didn't feel something similar, that she wasn't holding onto those feelings inside because she'd practically convinced herself that she wasn't allowed to have them, afraid that Cassian wouldn't feel the same.
While she might have been able to keep her expression somewhat neutral, there was no hiding the way her cheeks slowly colored. Even if Cassian didn't mean what he was saying, the words certainly were having an impact.
She just observed him for a long moment, fingertips brushing nondescript little patterns where they still rested against his hand.
When she spoke again, it was tentative, like she was proceeding with caution.]
Yes. Like for that moment in time, everything is going to be alright, because you're there.
[He meant what he was saying. What was compromised was his ability to hold back meaning. His ability to want to—no think he should.
He watched the movement of her fingers, her clever graceful hands capable of a slicer's dexterity and a soldier's brute force, both; slowly, he turned his over so her fingertips—if they wanted, if they stayed—grazed his palm, and his fingers could curl so slightly to return touch on hers.]
I don't know if this is an opportunity or a cheat. Something I needed or something distortive… Helping me be braver or a proof of cowardice…
I couldn't imagine… resting… relaxing, at all, if you weren't here. Now that you are… everything's… slower… heartrate, respiration… I couldn't be steady without you…
I thought about…
[holding you asking you to hold me
No. No.]
That sounds so self-serving. I'm sorry. I… How you effect me is not what I admire and value about you. Your… it has nothing to do with me. But it's also true… that I'm better when I'm with you.
[Jyn couldn't hope to know what thoughts were crossing Cassian's mind. What she could do was offer her time and presence, her shoulder to rest against, a listening ear ... her hand to hold if it will help through his ordeal.
Cassian's answering touch was so unbearably soft that she didn't quite know what to think of it. So she didn't. Jyn didn't think, she just acted. Some would call her impulsivity one of her worst traits. But in the moment, it just felt right to press their palms together, to slot their fingers together like they were, in a way, each other's missing pieces.
Jyn wanted to insist that Cassian was not a coward, could never be one, but she didn't want to interrupt as he brought his thoughts to light. If she was hasty in deepening the touch, she could be patient as she listened to Cassian work things out.
She was ... glad ... to hear that she had such a calming effect (although she was certain that no other being living in the galaxy currently could think of her in the same way), and she wasn't going to question him, no matter how much she did not feel she deserved such consideration, but -
From Cassian, she would accept it.]
Well - [Jyn started, smiling faintly, squeezing their linked hands very gently, as if to reassure] You should probably know that I feel the same way. It ... always feels better -
When we're together.
[Jyn knew that she had to leave it at that for the time being. This wasn't the time to delve any deeper, not when there were more important things to concentrate on.]
Will it help if I sit with you? I mean - on the bunk.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(fulcrum3)
Date: 2021-01-12 06:55 pm (UTC)Jyn is a keen enough observer to notice all the little hints that pointed at the fact that Cassian, for the moment, is not quite right. But she decides not to bring it up in favor of following him the short distance from the door to his bunk.
She does take a seat in the already prepared chair, blowing out a soft breath once Cassian is sitting, too, even though he is clearly not at ease. She waits for a long moment before leaning forward, resting her hands gently on top of his.
Maybe it'll help ground him. Jyn hopes so, anyway.]
Doing okay?
Re: (fulcrum3)
Date: 2021-01-13 04:33 am (UTC)The touch unmistakably relaxes him. His shoulders bend oh so slightly, deflating, hunching him further over her hands.]
I shouldn't complain. It'll pass.
I just… I don't indulge for a reason. I don't want all the walls in my mind down. I put them up for a reason.
[Even that is more descriptive than how he usually talks about himself. —when he does at all.]
Re: (fulcrum3)
Date: 2021-01-13 04:15 pm (UTC)[Jyn worries. Despite the knowledge that whatever Cassian's taken will clear his system soon enough, it's hard to see him in such a vulnerable state. She knows she should have faith in the fact that he's asked her to help.
She can understand his distress - it's easier to put personal thoughts and feelings behind closed doors to deal with later. Or not at all.
So the thought of not being able to hold back the deluge does seem overwhelming.]
Whatever you say stays between us, Cassian. You can trust in that. I won't betray your confidence.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-14 04:52 am (UTC)I worry about—
[His shoulders tense again. He flexes his fingers, under and between hers, not shaking hers away; like he wants to return the touch but doesn't know how.]
—I worry about me betraying yours. …To you.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-14 05:20 am (UTC)Still, there's no helping the way her brows pull together, no concealing her clear concern.]
What do you mean? [She asks, before thinking better of the question, shaking her head gently.] No, wait. You don't have to say anything at all if you don't want to. We can just be quiet, if that will help.
Or talk about something that will distract you. Whatever works best.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-19 05:44 am (UTC)It's just tiring. Being away from you.
[…wait, no, hadn't he just decided to take the out…]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-25 07:51 am (UTC)And while she knows, realistically speaking, that she should probably steer the conversation someplace safer, there's a part of her that kind of wants to delve deeper.
It's not an insignificant part of her. So ... he's being honest with her. Maybe she can afford to be honest with him, too.]
I know. I always worry when you're away.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-28 03:50 am (UTC)not being able to breathe as easily
not being able to stand upright against gravity
not wanting to stand at all
except when next to you.
Too much. Too much to put on someone else. ...Was it? Did he have any actual idea?]
Yes. But I also… just like being near you. Everything's better when you're in the room.
[Dammit that was supposed to be less— why was he even fighting this…
Why was he fighting—was that a question he could afford to ask often enough…
Brain shut up shut up shut up
Jyn. He focused again on her. If he could get out of his own mind, it was usually to do with her.]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-04 11:42 pm (UTC)But ... that wasn't to say that she didn't feel something similar, that she wasn't holding onto those feelings inside because she'd practically convinced herself that she wasn't allowed to have them, afraid that Cassian wouldn't feel the same.
While she might have been able to keep her expression somewhat neutral, there was no hiding the way her cheeks slowly colored. Even if Cassian didn't mean what he was saying, the words certainly were having an impact.
She just observed him for a long moment, fingertips brushing nondescript little patterns where they still rested against his hand.
When she spoke again, it was tentative, like she was proceeding with caution.]
Yes. Like for that moment in time, everything is going to be alright, because you're there.
I feel that, too.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-07 03:51 am (UTC)want to—nothink he should.He watched the movement of her fingers, her clever graceful hands capable of a slicer's dexterity and a soldier's brute force, both; slowly, he turned his over so her fingertips—if they wanted, if they stayed—grazed his palm, and his fingers could curl so slightly to return touch on hers.]
I don't know if this is an opportunity or a cheat. Something I needed or something distortive… Helping me be braver or a proof of cowardice…
I couldn't imagine… resting… relaxing, at all, if you weren't here. Now that you are… everything's… slower… heartrate, respiration… I couldn't be steady without you…
I thought about…
[holding you
asking you to hold me
No. No.]
That sounds so self-serving. I'm sorry. I… How you effect me is not what I admire and value about you. Your… it has nothing to do with me. But it's also true… that I'm better when I'm with you.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-02 05:43 am (UTC)Cassian's answering touch was so unbearably soft that she didn't quite know what to think of it. So she didn't. Jyn didn't think, she just acted. Some would call her impulsivity one of her worst traits. But in the moment, it just felt right to press their palms together, to slot their fingers together like they were, in a way, each other's missing pieces.
Jyn wanted to insist that Cassian was not a coward, could never be one, but she didn't want to interrupt as he brought his thoughts to light. If she was hasty in deepening the touch, she could be patient as she listened to Cassian work things out.
She was ... glad ... to hear that she had such a calming effect (although she was certain that no other being living in the galaxy currently could think of her in the same way), and she wasn't going to question him, no matter how much she did not feel she deserved such consideration, but -
From Cassian, she would accept it.]
Well - [Jyn started, smiling faintly, squeezing their linked hands very gently, as if to reassure] You should probably know that I feel the same way. It ... always feels better -
When we're together.
[Jyn knew that she had to leave it at that for the time being. This wasn't the time to delve any deeper, not when there were more important things to concentrate on.]
Will it help if I sit with you? I mean - on the bunk.